Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Too sad to blog...

Lately I've been in a strange mood. Not unhappy, but everything unnerves me. I go through these bouts of mood dips every now and then. It could be PMS, but lately I can't seem to stop thinking about my father. I think he's the reason why I've been feeling down.

My father passed away without warning two years ago, while I lived in California. A few days before I was due home to Japan, I get a life-changing call from one of my younger sisters. I was at a taco joint near my house. She sobs, 'Dad died' and begs me to come home immediately. I haven't been able to eat fish tacos since.

I cried at first, but became numb towards his death for a good year after that. I was dealing with my remaining family, a declining relationship with my mother, a messy breakup and job-hunting all at once...so I had no time to grieve, and gave myself no time to grieve either. In turn, for a few months I did turn into an erratic, tempermental person. I lost interest and patience with the little things that used to matter to me...like listening to my friends whine about boring jobs and no-good boyfriends, and eating and sleeping well.

My life has settled considerably since that fateful day. I speak to my mother now. I have a wonderful, caring, kind boyfriend with whom I live with. He picked me off the ground when everyone else was tired of my emotional roaller coaster. I have a good job in a promising field.
I've made supportive, innovating, inspirational friends.

But I don't have my father. He was the buffer between my mother and I. He was my shoulder to cry on. He belived in me although all I did was make shameful mistakes. He was my giving tree, and my creative mentor. But he is gone forever, and sometimes I don't know where to look to feel brighter, to feel like he's still with me. Sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut tight to remind myself what he looked and sounded like. I am afraid that I might forget his warm voice.

You think it gets easier, after losing a loved one...but it doesn't. You may think that you're going to be alright, that your life will go on, but it's not that easy. It's like I've been awake for two years, without a chance to blink and put my mind at ease. He is always in the back of my mind, a constant reminder of something missing, something unfinished, something unsaid.

I thank anyone who read this. It's just jumbled thoughts that needed a way out.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

This makes me so sad, honey. :( :( :(

My dad died two years ago, too, totally out of the blue. I reacted in ways I never ever expected to since he and I had a very bad to just nonexistent relationship.

Your last paragraph makes me sad for you and I wish I could give you a hug. *hugs*

--kayebee

jie-jie said...

*hugs* I really feel your pain. I am very close to my dad too, and cannot imagine my world without him in it. I've been living away from him for 6 years no and just got to see him two years ago. It gets depressing that I can't see him often enough, especially now that his age is catching up to him, and I'm not there to care for him. I feel like crying now after reading your entry.

I do believe that your dad's spirit is with you, that he'll always look out for you even though he's in a better place now. There must have been things you wanted to do or say, but he must have left at peace know you two had a great relationship.

Nic Nic said...

Aya, im really sorry to hear about this.. i really cant imagine losing a family member you were once really closed to.

in the past I had scary morbid, upsetting thoughts about losing family members, i cant imagine what your going through.

your family, boyfriend and friends are right behind you. there is nothing wrong wanting closure from what happened 2 yrs ago, take as long as you will.

stay strong, i believe your father is watching over you from above, and he would want you to be happy. *hugs*

L said...

*hugs*

we didn't touch on this subj. in too much detail but you know you can have a few "moments" with me. i can't relate to losing my father but i can relate to something to losing someone just as close. we should talk sometime... it helps to "hear" and "let it out".

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Your post captured how I've been feeling almost perfectly. My father also passed away unexpectedly two years ago. The two year anniversary of his death is approaching and I've been feeling pretty lethargic and blue for the past few weeks.
Thank you for writing this -- I've been having a really hard time trying to put my thoughts and emotions into words and you did it so perfectly.

christy. said...

>___< *hugs & kisses* I can't feel you on losing a family member but I know how painful it is losing a loved one. I hope you get thru & you always have friends to lean on. :) Be strongER. <3333

Christiana Divine @ Memoirs of A Shopping Addict said...

this is so sad. :( i'm so sorry that you lost your father. i don't know my dad, but i can't even begin to imagine how i would feel if i lost my mom. :( i'm sorry that you never even got a chance to grieve, which is probably why it still gets to you this bad till this day, you never really got to properly mourn. i hope nothing but better days for you.

fuzkittie said...

T_T Get better~

MakeupWithLakahna said...

it is definately hard to loose a parents especially unexpectantly. I hope each day gets better for you. I usually think of all of the good memories I had with that person prior to their leaving me and that usually puts a smile on my face. You're a strong girl and its never never easy to loose a loved one. It just seems like GOD always takes a good people first i guess.

Tammy said...

Aya:
I can actually say that I know how you feel. I lost my father in December of 2007. It was out of the blue...on Thanksgiving Day he was at my home enjoying dinner, and three days later I received a call saying he had a tumor in the brain, then 3 weeks later he was gone.

I am still not all there. All the things that I could depend on about myself are not there anymore. I don't feel like myself anymore. My father and I were very close, I was always Daddy's girl. My mom and I have never been close, and it is worse now.

While life does go on, you are never the same. Everyone tells me it just takes time, but I wonder.
Just know that you are in all of our thoughts and prayers...
Tammy

Aya said...

Ms. Kaye: I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I had a strange relationship with my father, but he was still my father nonetheless. I respected him immensely and I am constantly reminded of his greatness when I see his work around town. Thank you for your kind words.

Jie Jie: I know it sounds cliche, but I hope you get to spend valuable time with your parents. Some time or another, we realize that they're not going to be around forever...do your parents live in a different country than you do?

Nic Nic: I don't even know where to start to get closure. But it's worth a try. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

L: Thanks for being there. It means a lot, even if we don't talk about it much. Really, thank you.

Anonymous: Thank you for sharing. My confusion comes and goes...but I usually brush it aside because it makes me sad, and unfocused. I hope that we both figure out a way to make it easier to understand, and to cope...

Christy: *hugs back* Thank you girl. I have a sister around your age...I hope she can move past this too!

Christiana: I am sorry you never knew your father. But I hope you have a wonderful relationship with your mother! It seems like it though. Keep her close! Thank you for the kind words. <3 <3

fuzkittie: Arigatoo~! I will work on feeling better :)

Lakahna: You're right, I should focus on good memories. It makes me sad but happy at the same time. Thank you.

Tammy: I couldn't relate to you more. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. Like you, I lost certain things in me that I could fall back on, things I knew helped me shine. I hope you can work on your relationship with your mother...but if not, I hope you get better, and re-gain those things you feel as though you've lost forever. They're still there, we just have to find them again and remember what we were like before. Thank you so much for sharing.

xppinkx said...

hey aya...

i am sorry to hear that your pops passed...reading your article down to not being able to eat fish tacos made me tear a bit...i have lost an aunt but not an immediate family memeber...and i cant imagine how that feels...i think i would be a vegetable for a good while...as much of an emotional person i am i can only imagine your loss...=(...

i hope on days you feel great! and on days that feel not so great ...hang in there bella =)

missjaclynrose said...

Aya, I'm very sorry for your loss and how you must be feeling. I've lost family members but no one as close as you were with your dad.

Well what I'm getting at is the love and support you are getting from your family, friends and bf is great. Here's an idea: I don't know how much you are into writing, but maybe to help ease the pain of him being gone, you can write letters to him in a journal. you know as if he were there with you. It's just a thought. I used to write in a journal about my thoughts when I was younger. It definitely helped me out.

I'm pretty sure your dad would want you to continue on with your life and be happy with who you have now in your life.

It sounds like you had a great relationship with him and just live on the memories you have.

Hang in there, sweety! *hugs*

Gee said...

I'm sorry about your loss.

My uncle died last year of liver cancer and I was so sad about that, and he wasn't even a blood relative. It was my aunt's husband. So, I can't even begin to imagine the pain when you lost your father. I'm so terribly sorry.

I hope that you feel better soon. I'm sure he is watching over you wishing the same.

Chiara said...

Aya hunny, I'm so sorry >< I can't really relate with you but I'll pray for you!

I wish I could give you a fatty huggy and make everything okay TT

Stay strong Aya-chan <3 I love you sweety!

jie-jie said...

My parents are separated, now I live with my mother. She's the total opposite of my dad, strong parental and responsible figure. And it scares me sometimes that what if something happens to her and we never got to patch up our differences. But sometimes I just have to deal with the fact there are some things that will never change no matter how hard I try.

My dad is in the Philippines right now, and I can't wait for him to move here since my sister finally finished school there. Me and my brother are also considering moving somewhere in Asia after he finishes college. Japan would be my dream, but I'm not so sure of its possibility since I'm so settled here.

xppinkx said...

AYAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAA!!!

Serious! yayyyyyy....pats self on the back the key ingredient is the mayo...did you use mayo? how was it????

xppinkx said...

aya

you just gave me a great idea...use this instead of regular mayo...or did you use this...this mayo is the bomb!

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/uimages/kitchen/2008_03_06-Kewpie.jpg

ilurvemakeup said...

*comfort* You sound like me a yr 1/2 ago when my bro passed away then around the same time, my mom tells me my dad has cancer. v_v; I don't deal with death very well either, but it lifts me up to read that some people do work their way thru it.

Aya said...

Pink: Thanks. I can still eat regular tacos though...no seriously, thank you for reaching out. I hope you don't have to experience this any time soon!

Ms. J.Rose: THANK YOU! That's a good idea. I never thought of writing to him...I have so much I want to say...

Gee: I think death is a strange, difficult, suffocating thing to deal with, whether it be an immediate family member or not...I'm sorry to hear of your loss, losing someone to a horrible disease cannot be easy.

Chiara: Thank you sweetie, and thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I appreciate it. Rabu youuu toooo!

Lurve: *cries and gives you big hug*...I'm so sorry. Does your fam live near you? I'm praying for you and your family. Death is never easy to deal with, but I hope you are able to talk about it with people you trust.

the Muse said...

aya,

I'm so sorry. I've never really lost anyone I've truly loved but I can imagine the pain and sadness.

I'm not your father and I'm sadly a million miles away but please remember I am always here to listen, talk, etc....

I know I sometimes get busy and fail at email horribly but anytime you need me don't hesitate to send over an email asking for a chat or even a phone call!

I'd be happy to listen, offer an ear, and a virtual hug.

Keep that beautiful, big smile on your face and remember your dad is looking down on you I'm sure and smiling!

Love you my friend!

Lani said...

*hugs* i'm sorry to hear about your loss. it's definitely painful to lose a loved one. he's in a better peaceful place where he is always watching over you like your guardian angel. ;)

xoxoxo

Emilee @ GMM said...

*hugs* I'm sorry, I'm a bit late responding to this post.

However, I doubt that it would ever get easy to get over the loss of a loved one, especially a parent. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like. Just remember that we are all here to talk, if you ever need it. :)