Lately I've been in a strange mood. Not unhappy, but everything unnerves me. I go through these bouts of mood dips every now and then. It could be PMS, but lately I can't seem to stop thinking about my father. I think he's the reason why I've been feeling down.
My father passed away without warning two years ago, while I lived in California. A few days before I was due home to Japan, I get a life-changing call from one of my younger sisters. I was at a taco joint near my house. She sobs, 'Dad died' and begs me to come home immediately. I haven't been able to eat fish tacos since.
I cried at first, but became numb towards his death for a good year after that. I was dealing with my remaining family, a declining relationship with my mother, a messy breakup and job-hunting all at once...so I had no time to grieve, and gave myself no time to grieve either. In turn, for a few months I did turn into an erratic, tempermental person. I lost interest and patience with the little things that used to matter to me...like listening to my friends whine about boring jobs and no-good boyfriends, and eating and sleeping well.
My life has settled considerably since that fateful day. I speak to my mother now. I have a wonderful, caring, kind boyfriend with whom I live with. He picked me off the ground when everyone else was tired of my emotional roaller coaster. I have a good job in a promising field.
I've made supportive, innovating, inspirational friends.
But I don't have my father. He was the buffer between my mother and I. He was my shoulder to cry on. He belived in me although all I did was make shameful mistakes. He was my giving tree, and my creative mentor. But he is gone forever, and sometimes I don't know where to look to feel brighter, to feel like he's still with me. Sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut tight to remind myself what he looked and sounded like. I am afraid that I might forget his warm voice.
You think it gets easier, after losing a loved one...but it doesn't. You may think that you're going to be alright, that your life will go on, but it's not that easy. It's like I've been awake for two years, without a chance to blink and put my mind at ease. He is always in the back of my mind, a constant reminder of something missing, something unfinished, something unsaid.
I thank anyone who read this. It's just jumbled thoughts that needed a way out.