Saturday, June 28, 2008

Time to heal...and move on!

I wish I had more time to blog. I have tons of pictures to edit and post...my man even got me Photoshop for MAC (for 20 bucks and showing a little leg/titty, good deal!). I've been trying to get out and spend more time with friends...not stay all cooped up in the comfort of my house...Blogging has been a great escape, from stress I accumulate at work, from my relationship, and from general day-to-day woes. I sound like a damsel in distress now, but DAMN if you work over 12 hours a day, those bags under your eyes start lookin' like meteor craters, forreal! But right now I need to get out there, and laugh and drink with my friends...so I will have to deal with less blogger updates for now...and catch up later!

Recently I spent time with my mother. Just me and her...one on one...we hadn't had a meal together where we didn't end up arguing, not for about three years. Yeah. It's been a while. Shit hit the fan after I came home from San Diego, broke, broken, and pissed at God and the world. Without my Dad as the buffer, my mom and I went head-to-head with issues we've left unresolved for years. I couldn't take the fights, I even TRIED reasoning with her. But she was not in a state of mind or situation that was in her favor...she had to rebuild a life for herself and my younger sisters. I was nowhere in that equation, and she made it clear that I was not welcome...so I LEFT. I moved out, and stopped talking to my own mother. I didn't even give her my address or phone number. I didn't call her on her birthday or Christmas for two years. I left, never wanting to speak to her again. I felt almost betrayed by my own kin. In a sense she wasn't there for me when I needed her...but nor was I. Death can really tear a family apart, and it almost did mine. But slowly, our wounds are healing.

My mother announced that she finally started throwing my Dad's things away. His rider boots, his history and art books. She even let my youngest sister give my Dad's old sweaters and down jackets to the homeless men that camp out by the river behind their house. She's sorting through everything he left behind. She's even auctioning off his old knick-knacks. She recently sold a fold-up chair set for 50 bucks on Yahoo! Auctions. This, my friends may seem mundane to you, but it is a huge step in my mother's life. No one touched my father's things, not since February of '06.

My mother and I sat down last week, and ate and talked for a good three hours. It was strange and brand-new...yet natural. Like we've been doing that for years. I think we've both healed and forgiven each other. I don't know where this is going, but I think I can have a good relationship with her. I NEED her in my life. I NEED her to stay healthy. I NEED her to be there for me. I NEED her to see me succeed. I NEED her to be there for me when I hit another bump in the road. I don't know if she knows this...but I think she wants to be there for me too.

It feels strange, to have my mother back. It feels strange to actually feel BETTER in general about my family. I'd gotten so used to having a tumultous relationship with her, used to the sadness brought on from the aftermath of my father's death. It is a great thing to heal, and to finally be able to foresee LIGHT in my future.

For once in a long time, I am in a happy place. :)

13 comments:

Nic Nic said...

Aya, it's really nice to hear that you and your mother are re-bonding- i'm happy for you! you sounds truly happy :)

fuzkittie said...

Awww your post made me tear up - first from the fight between you and your mom, then from the joy of you and your mom finding yourselves back. I'm a sucker for family, I could never ever leave my parents. I'm so happy for you!

Tammy said...

Aya:
I swear, we are so much alike! Reading your post is so familar...
I am glad that you are communicating with your mom. It sounds like both of you are in a different place now. Sometimes you need to be right with yourself before you can be right with anyone else INCLUDING your family.
It does my heart good to read this and to know that there is hope for my mother and I.
I hope you stay in that happy place for a long time :)

jie jie said...

I can only imagine the pain you and your mom went through these two years. Though I'm very familiar with the feeling of betrayal by one's own mother. That's why I'm really happy that you two are rebuilding your relationship now.

You know I can never be open about personal topics like these on my own blog.. but reading entries like these is really touching.. in one way or another, it touches others and makes them reflect in their own situation. ^_^ Thanks..I'm not exactly sure why I'm thanking you.. but maybe thanks for opening your heart here.

KAY said...

Glad she's in your life now... must be hard for you, hugs!

Alyssa said...

I'm glad the relationship with your mother is getting better. One of the hardest thing in the world is relationships with people, family and friends.

L said...

Aya'chan, I am glad you've found this "place". Without preachin'... I've found that new memories that fill up painful times make it easier to deal, I hope you and your Mother will make many happy memories.

Emilee @ GMM said...

Glad to hear that you are re-bonding with your mother and are happy! You've talked about difficult things happening in your past, and I can only imagine how difficult it was for you and your family to cope with those events.

xppinkx said...

That how it was with my mom as well..we would constantly butt heads...im soo stubborn and my moms just a worry wort...i had to move out...so at age 17 i was out and living and working on my own...i have grown to be an acomplished woman at that...now i see my mother most often i tell her that i love her...because when i sit down and think she's irreplaceable...and it brings a tear to my eye that your finally finding a happy medium esp. w/ your mom...i think that's pretty awesome aya...

Jaclyn Rose said...

Aya, That is so good to hear about you and your mom. Life traumas can either make or break a family. And I'm glad that this turned out ok for you and your mom. It's good to have your mom around. I too was the same way with my mom when I was growing up. I am her only daughter and we did not get along at all. We would fight all the time! Until I had my oldest son. After that it was like we were best friends. I needed her help on how to be a mother and then I also realized what it's like to be a mother. And all the things I took for granted I now realized was wrong. I love my mom and even though there are times she does get on my nerves I would be devastated if I ever lost her.

Thank you for sharing this!

Aya said...

Dear Friends,

Thank you for reading...and thank you for not judging. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and kind words of encouragement. You ladies really put a smile on my face. I feel like if I knew all of you personally, we'd all get along GREAT. Although never my intent, it makes me happy knowing that I've been able to touch your hearts. If you don't have a good relationship with your mother or father, I hope that all of you can one day get to that 'happy place'. And when you do, I hope you'll share your thoughts with me :)

Thank you, I love you all.

yummy411 said...

this post just made me really happy. i just sighed with relief. thanks for sharing. i'm really happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Aya--I'm glad you got there.

Adair