I wish I had more time to blog. I have tons of pictures to edit and post...my man even got me Photoshop for MAC (for 20 bucks and showing a little leg/titty, good deal!). I've been trying to get out and spend more time with friends...not stay all cooped up in the comfort of my house...Blogging has been a great escape, from stress I accumulate at work, from my relationship, and from general day-to-day woes. I sound like a damsel in distress now, but DAMN if you work over 12 hours a day, those bags under your eyes start lookin' like meteor craters, forreal! But right now I need to get out there, and laugh and drink with my friends...so I will have to deal with less blogger updates for now...and catch up later!
Recently I spent time with my mother. Just me and her...one on one...we hadn't had a meal together where we didn't end up arguing, not for about three years. Yeah. It's been a while. Shit hit the fan after I came home from San Diego, broke, broken, and pissed at God and the world. Without my Dad as the buffer, my mom and I went head-to-head with issues we've left unresolved for years. I couldn't take the fights, I even TRIED reasoning with her. But she was not in a state of mind or situation that was in her favor...she had to rebuild a life for herself and my younger sisters. I was nowhere in that equation, and she made it clear that I was not welcome...so I LEFT. I moved out, and stopped talking to my own mother. I didn't even give her my address or phone number. I didn't call her on her birthday or Christmas for two years. I left, never wanting to speak to her again. I felt almost betrayed by my own kin. In a sense she wasn't there for me when I needed her...but nor was I. Death can really tear a family apart, and it almost did mine. But slowly, our wounds are healing.
My mother announced that she finally started throwing my Dad's things away. His rider boots, his history and art books. She even let my youngest sister give my Dad's old sweaters and down jackets to the homeless men that camp out by the river behind their house. She's sorting through everything he left behind. She's even auctioning off his old knick-knacks. She recently sold a fold-up chair set for 50 bucks on Yahoo! Auctions. This, my friends may seem mundane to you, but it is a huge step in my mother's life. No one touched my father's things, not since February of '06.
My mother and I sat down last week, and ate and talked for a good three hours. It was strange and brand-new...yet natural. Like we've been doing that for years. I think we've both healed and forgiven each other. I don't know where this is going, but I think I can have a good relationship with her. I NEED her in my life. I NEED her to stay healthy. I NEED her to be there for me. I NEED her to see me succeed. I NEED her to be there for me when I hit another bump in the road. I don't know if she knows this...but I think she wants to be there for me too.
It feels strange, to have my mother back. It feels strange to actually feel BETTER in general about my family. I'd gotten so used to having a tumultous relationship with her, used to the sadness brought on from the aftermath of my father's death. It is a great thing to heal, and to finally be able to foresee LIGHT in my future.
For once in a long time, I am in a happy place. :)