Saturday, February 7, 2009

Ohissaaaa~~~

Ohisashiburi! Long time no see! Well, in this case, long time no blog! I feel guilty for not posting. Please don't hate me...girl has a life! LOL.

I am slowly getting my life back on track. I work longer and I'm cramming lots of network diagrams and Cisco crap into my head. After moving back to my mom's in November, I've been an emotional wreck. I would cry in my (sister's) room, and stay home on my days off, unless I ran out to get Starbucks. I'm sure most of you guys have figured my situation out already. I'm sad, broken, but feeling much, much much better than I have the last two years. I'm slowly gaining the weight I lost, and I'm not always angry/frustrated/irritated/sad/lonely/jittery/
nervous/tired.

Yes, a nasty combination of these emotions can really get the best of you.....I am not proud to admit that a lot, if not most of the time, I brought it upon myself. The layman term to describe my 'condition' would be 'NEUROSIS', but I beg to differ...I was in a unfitting relationship at a bad time. Perhaps a few years down the line....or if my circumstances were different, the relationship would have worked out beautifully. But the past four years of my life have included tragic losses, legal battles to keep certain negative influences out of my life, and finding shorcuts to heal cuts and wounds that, as I've learned, only long-term self-love and forgiveness can truly settle.

I have mi madre back...We've forgiven each other. Now I'm trying to meet new people through the few that I actually trust. I have little to no small talk left in me. It seems as though my gift of gab drowned...now it's up to me to climb over the walls I built around myself. I felt safe when I built them, and even safer when my moody prince climbed over the walls, saying he loved me to death, and that I was a lucky woman.

I want to spend the next few years acting my age. I'm tired of having to answer to people's expectations of what Aya should do, feel, and be.

I don't want to be with anyone for a long time. I want to be alone. But I don't want to spend my time alone...does this make sense? I just don't want to feel alone! So in that spirit, I try to go out more and meet different kind of people. For example, a few weeks ago I visited the home of one of the Art Directors of Marvel Comics. 'Mosh' hails from Brooklyn, NY but now resides in Tokyo. His humble apartment was a pure reflection of his artistic repertoire...Every inch of his walls and ceilings were covered with colorful graffiti and comic book characters. He quietly promotes his own work and continues drawing for comics like the Hulk, Spiderman, Batman and Robin, etc. I want to surround myself with people like Mosh who are either living their dreams or grindin' everyday to get there! I don't need any more lazy, broke, complacent people in my life. And when I say 'broke', I don't mean people who aren't rich. I mean people who have a real job and a real paycheck, but lack the ability to save...people who are always leaning on their friends and loved ones to help pay their bills because they stupidly spent half their paycheck on car parts or alcohol!

So that's how I'm doing in a nutshell. I'll try to throw some reviews out there. I got my hands on several new foundations and eyeshadow palettes. I do read all your blogs on my list religiously...thanks for always giving me something interesting to read!

Have a lovely weekend!!!

Love, Aya

15 comments:

Askmewhats said...

awww that's a nice word! Ohisashiburi! :) Thanks for the update :) Will wait for your posts and updates :) Take care

Eka said...

I've been following your blog for a while and I understand how you feel, my 3 year relationship has also ended just last weekend. Anyway, I know you'll get over this and someone better is coming your way. Kyotuskete kudasai. :)

Kimberly Tia said...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

WELCOME BACK - I MISSED YOU.

now get on with your life and doing what makes AYA... AYA!!!! Own it, and do YOU. *applause*

J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J said...

I'm actually so happy for u, that u are so strong to leave a bad relationship behind. like some chinese saying "The end, is another beginning"

kawaiikao said...

i totally know how u feel...the whole i want to be alone but not be alone thing makes perfect sense. i kinda told u a lil about my ex and after that ended i was in the same boat as u are right now. just get out there and keep meeting people and know that we loveeee you!!

paperdollrevenge said...

Ohisashiburi! It's always good to hear an update from you!

It's a new year and that means anything can happen! Lots of new changes in your life, and all for the better! *hugs* =)

Yumeko/Bittenbefore said...

i miss you dear. i am still a teensy sick. i know u work late nights and sometimes weekend
which day is ur day off?

i gotta finally buy u that cake i promised for so long

' * : . b | u 3 . : * ' said...

I'm glad you got out of that relationship and that things are better with your mom. Good luck with everthing!

M said...

Aya! I missed you so!

I'm glad that you were able to patch up thing with your mom.
hope everything works out for the best. <3

Chiara said...

Oh Ayachan, I missed you! We're all keeping out fingers crossed for ya hun!

Kadhine said...

Ohisashiburi!
Welcome back :)
I'm glad you and your mom are all ok now.

I am even further away from my mom than before. I doubt our relationship will ever get better as she's an alcoholic...I did my best - now it's her turn.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and remember you need to take time to heal.

Yumeko/Bittenbefore said...

me again! i am still a bit sick so i'll have to wear a mask when we go out

let me know what day is good for u for window shopping HEEHEE
are u sure its going to be window shopping HEEHEE

梅子 said...

i like this post very much.
its wicked deep like .. i dunno i feel like i relate.
im very glad that you and your mom are good now.

the whole others expecting you to be someone, i get that.

thank you for sharing this.

min said...

What you've just described is exactly what I've been feeling for the last 3 years. Hang in there. I believe that someday, we'll emerge stronger. Hang in there.